CONFESSIONS OF A SCRAPAHOLIC

…IT’LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET…

OT: The weight on my shoulders…

Posted by Catherine on May 4, 2009

…but if I’m honest, the weight is actually EVERYWHERE ELSE except my shoulders, but those weren’t neglected either. 

Okay folks, I’m gonna get a little serious (well, it’s not serious in the way that it’s emotionally heavy (though, heavy may be the operative word…) and then I’m going to move it to a different blog because I don’t want to mix things up too much!  I’ve been thinking about this for a while…and I’ve come to a certain ABSOLUTE conclusion, via a QUOTE:

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”
– Albert Einstein

In my case, it’s more like, doing NOTHING over and over again and expecting spectacular results.

I’m one of those people who pretty much had a lot of things come pretty easily.  I’m not embarrassed and I’m not downplaying anything, but then again, I don’t want to overdramatize it, either.  I’ve been very lucky with the way my life has gone.  My parents worked hard so my brothers and I wouldn’t have to experience the things they had to go through.  Anywho, going on with it…in school, things just came easily.  I saw letters and I understood the words they formed, I read the words and I understood their meaning (okay, to be honest though, I saw numbers and it definitely took me a LONG time how 8 x 8 was…..64? *LOL* HAHAHAHA…so, not EVERYTHING came easily to me!) and as I grew, things were always just like that.  So as I grew, I have to confess I kind of pretty much expected that to continue for everything.  So, I’ll have to say that it didn’t actually continue that way in more ways than one…but overall I’m still blessed.  The thing that I kind of expected to stay the same was the whole younger person = faster metabolism thing…

I was one of those peeps who were able to eat whatever they wanted without doing much else to maintain the weight.  In hindsight, I probably grossed some people out, the way that I ate, but ate I did.  Eat first, wipe off all the sauce later, was my lovely motto.  So imagine my surprise that the older I got, the more weight I began to put on.  Until I have to stop when I walk by a mirror.  In absolute SURPRISE.  I’m telling you, sometimes the person who stops in the mirror at the same time that I stop in the mirror takes me COMPLTELY off guard.  I have to do a complicated little shake-shake or a wiggle-wiggle to make sure that the person in the mirror can copy my EXACT movement for me to admit that the person in looking back in the mirror is ME.

When I first noticed, I didn’t think much of it due to that whole weirdo mindset that if I wanted to lose weight, it would just come off just like that. Hardy-har-har.  So I’d wave to the girl in the mirror and feel sorry for whoevermade the mirror because it was poorly constructed and contorted and off I go on with my merry self…(I can’t guarantee it every single time, but it was probably off to McDonald’s or something – not even trying to be funny, it’s probably 100% true).

My mom and dad actually sat me aside (now, don’t go getting to flustered about this, they did it in a really loving and honest and straight-forward way) and expressed their concerns.  Of COURSE I didn’t take it as loving or honest or straightfoward at the time and I cried (and probably went to McDonald’s after both in sadness and probably more in defiance) and then blew it off.  But I guess when if you’re my parents and you’re used to your daughter being 100 – 110 pounds for most of her teenage life, seeing her come to visit and be 160….164…168…without a brand new grand baby inside that belly is something to express concern about.

Anywho, I kind of lost track about where I was going with this or what I was trying to say, but cutting to the chase and not mincing words.  I don’t like where I am right now – weight-wise.  I have absolutely NO excuse, drawback or obstacle.  I don’t have the difficulties other people may face when trying to lose weight, I’m not diabetic, I’m not anything that can actually hinder me from losing weight and looking like the person that I used it.  The bottom line is I’m LAZY.  Lazy in a way that is not at all funny.  Lazy in the way that is appalling and if I’m honest with myself, I should be and actually am ashamed of myself.  I got SO caught up with that mindset that everything that I want comes so easily to me that I don’t really have to work for anything that I want, that I got complacent and lazy.  Being overweight is not a bad thing, I know that I could learn to love the way that I am and still be freakin’ FABULOUS and CUTE…but it’s the LAZINESS that’s not attractive.  I now see the meaning behind the words when my friends used to tell me that so-and-so has let herself go (I wonder if those “friends” of mine are saying it to other “friends” that I’ve let myself go…)

Blah, blah, blah…the WHOLE point to this post is that enough is ENOUGH for me.

Ever since I moved out and have had to take care of myself, I have been doing a piss-poor job.  Not even piss-poor (I don’t know where that word comes from…) I haven’t been doing any kind of job at all and it’s definitely affecting a lot of things. I’m always tired, I’ve noticed I never want to do ANYTHING and it’s probably taking a toll on mine and Bart’s “fun” relationship.  When we were first together, I was always up for activities.  He’d say, ‘Hey, let’s go for a hike,’ and I’d say ‘Sure thing, I’m already up the mountain!’  He’d suggest that we join an Extreme Frisbie team and I’d tell him I already had my outfit…now he’d be like…let’s take Chewy for a walk and I’d so, go ahead, I’ll see you back here, and then recline back on my LazyBoy.  UGH!

Today I was cruising around Facebook and by cruising I mean obsessively stalking in a non-scary kind of way…and I ran across the page of a person I used to go to high school with and my jaw completely dropped.  I had to go back and forth between two pictures to make absolutely sure I was actually looking at the right person.   I then remembered a fellow craft/Cricut board member starting her own weight loss blog so I toddled over there to see what was going on with her and my jaw dropped.  Robyn aka Pink Stamper aka The Pink Loser looks freaking FANTASTIC!  She’s GLOWING for crying out loud and she ran a MARATHON!  I am in complete AWE, I’m telling you!  I pretty much read through her entire blog and she didn’t do anything dramatic like take super, duper weight loss pills.  She didn’t hire a high profile personal trainer…she didn’t go through any surgeries…she worked our, worked hard and ate RIGHT. 

…and now I’m thinking I WANT TO DO THAT!!! *SCREECH*

I do NOT have to have every single piece of clothing in my closet be black and more resembling a mumu rather than a shirt.  I do NOT have to turn my head the other way when I pass anything REFLECTIVE.  I do NOT have to cry in the dressing room when I grab a shirt that I THINK would look good on me (on my old body that my mind will NOT let go of) and then face  the reality in the mirrir and see what it ACTUALLY looks like on me…if it even gets on me AT ALL.  I do NOT have to pick clothes four sizes larger than what I would actually fit into so that I would feel a bit better that the four-sizes-too-big clothes are too big (I would refer to this as dressing room reverse psychology).  I do NOT have to be sick all the time because my body doesn’t get ANY kind of nutrients at all because it doesn’t get any vitamins, proper diet or exercise.  I do NOT have to avoid shopping sprees or be jealous of girls who can actually fit into clothes that actually fit their body and I do not have to be envious of girls who have lost weight because if I actually did SOMETHING about it, I might be able to, too.

Okay.  So that’s what was on my mind tonight and I think I’d like to try Robyn’s way of starting her own weight-loss blog and being absolutely 100% truthful about it.  Lying on blogs is like lying to myself and it seriously won’t help either, so I’m going to try REALLY hard and I’m going to STICK to it.  So I will get that started soon and I will keep most of that content on that blog and keep this one was my crafty area.  I know there are a lot of crafters out there who are tryin the same thing and any and ALL tips and suggestions would be TOTALLY welcome!!!

Going to end this now…on a really funny, ironic kind of note….Bart just came home from class…and brought me an Oreo McFlurry.

 

CURRENT MOOD: CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

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4 Responses to “OT: The weight on my shoulders…”

  1. Carol C. said

    You go Chatherine!!! Lots of what you write here I can relate – in more ways than I’m comfortable to admit. Last year I weighted 169 and got down to 147 back to 152 now… it is WORK to keep it off but I encourage you to find what works for you and do it for no other reason than to be happy inside out…. 🙂 — GO GO GO GO CATHERINE!

  2. Sandie said

    Best of luck Cat! And seriously, I hope you enjoyed your McFlurry… guilt is a horrible thing. Start with making small changes and the rest will follow.

  3. Hi, nice post. I have been wondering about this topic,so thanks for blogging. I will likely be coming back to your blog. Keep up the good work

  4. Anita said

    Cat, thanks for sharing your story. I am in the same boat as you just not as heavy yet. I would be if I could eat what I want but that is not something I can do. I will pray about joining you in journey.

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